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Thursday, December 23, 2010

A Redneck Christmas (A Christmas Tradition)

A REDNECK CHRISTMAS

Was the day before Christmas and me and Bubba was drunk
We’d been drinkin’ beer and whiskey ‘til something stunk
So, we went out to his pickup to go for a ride
Bubba blew cookies before getting’ inside

The shotguns were hung in the back window with care
Bubba looked at me and said: “Let’s go huntin’ for bear!”
So, we drove that pickup up and down the hill
Dreamin’ of all the things we could kill

But there was no bear, nor geese, nor quail
So, we hit the highway unwilling to fail
Up ahead on the blacktop and off to the right
A neon-green cappuccino stand lit up the night

The mugs were all nestled snug on the shelves
With little pink doilies and other crap for sale
With Bubba in his cowboy hat and me in my cap
He slid that pickup to a stop and said: “Look at that!”

Never was a building so destined to die
As we got out and yelled “Yeeeeha” at the sky
Then, out on route seven there rose such a clatter
Me and Bubba shootin’ guns and watchin’ stuff shatter

Then, we jumped in the truck and took off like a flash
Bubba over-corrected and damn near crashed
Then, what to my wonderin’ eyes should appear
But, some drunk fool with a 12-pack of beer

Bubba laid on the brakes and cranked her to the right
The truck slid to a stop and he switched off the lights
We ran over to the drunk to pull the beer from his grasp
But, he held it tight-- like a mouse in a trap

He whistled and shouted and called us some names
“Jerk” and “Idiot” and some that weren’t so tame
He screamed and he fussed and he stomped all about
‘Til Bubba got tired of it and knocked the fool out

As I sipped on the brewski and was turning around
I saw Sergeant Dick just coming from town
He was drivin’ real fast and flashing the lights on top
I guess he was on his way out to the coffee shop

He saw Bubba and me and got on the brakes
The squad car slipped and swerved like it was on skates
Bubba laughed and pointed with cheer
Just as the squad car plowed into a deer

We thought we’d better cover our tracks
So, we got the drunk up and slapped him on the back
Bubba handed the drunk a beer
While Sgt. Dick pulled and wrenched to unstick the deer

We were just getting’ back into the truck
When Sgt. Dick finally got the deer unstuck
“Wait a minute, boys,” he yelled, as he crossed the snow
“I want to talk to you about the holes in the ‘Sip n’ Go’”

He held his flashlight in one chubby hand
The pistol bobbed up and down like on a rubber band
He waddled through the snow like a fat Christmas duck
Staring at us like we weren’t worth a . . . buck

“You boys are in trouble, I’ve got to say
Someone saw you with the shotguns shooting away
Don’t give me no trouble, I won’t take no lip
Just get in the car and save me the trip”

Me and Bubba were just figurin’ our chances
Lookin’ back and forth with innocent glances
Then, as if out of the thin mountain air
Came the sound of jingle bells from way up there

Could it be Santa, by the name of St. Nick
Or, just some freakin’ moron playin’ a trick?
From out of the sky, between us and the cop
Santa pulled his sleigh to a sliding, awkward stop

For me and Bubba, this was a beautiful sight
But, when we counted the reindeer, the number wasn’t right
The sleigh looked lop-sided with one of them gone
And, when we looked at Santa, he had a gun

“This one’s for me and someone has to pay
I can’t go around the world out of balance this way
Sgt. Dick, you ran over Dancer and didn’t even pause
Now, you have to go to work for Santa Claus”

Santa hitched up Sgt. Dick and fed him some grain
And laughed real hard as he slapped the reins
“You boys have been naughty,” he said, with a wink
“One day you’ll mess up and be tossed in the clink”

“Ho, ho, ho,” he exclaimed as he zoomed out of sight
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Bud Light.”

2 comments:

  1. LOL I just went back to LV and watched this on the vid. Too funny! Happy Holidays my friend, to you and yours.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Merry Christmas, Mr. Davis ;)

    ReplyDelete